Emily Post · Public domain edition · 260 cards · 69 chapters
Emily Post’s Etiquette argues that manners, not wealth or position, define Best Society, and that etiquette must include sincerity to matter. This deck covers her guidance on social and business notes, bread-and-butter letters, wedding thanks, introductions, servant references, and condolence letters.
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Chapter 1 · Question
According to the chapter, what is the basic attribute of Best Society?
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Chapter 1 · Answer
The author argues that cultivation is always the basic attribute of Best Society. Abroad, Best Society is the oldest aristocracy, composed of families and communities longest acquainted with highest cultivation. In America, Best Society is represented by social groups with the widest association with old world cultivation. The author stresses that cultivation, not wealth or new titles, is the fundamental qualification.
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CHAPTER I4 cards
According to the chapter, what is the basic attribute of Best Society?
The author argues that cultivation is always the basic attribute of Best Society. Abroad, Best Society is the oldest aristocracy, composed of families and communities longest acquainted with highest cultivation. In America, Best Society is represented by social groups with the widest association with old world cultivation. The author stresses that cultivation, not wealth or new titles, is the fundamental qualification.
Chapter 1
How does the chapter distinguish manners from manner?
Manners are made up of trivialities of deportment that can be easily learned if one does not know them. Manner is personality—the outward manifestation of one's innate character and attitude toward life. The author argues that a gentleman is never ostentatious, overbearing, or servile because such attributes never animate a well-bred person. A man whose manners suggest the grotesque is invariably a person of imitation rather than real position.
Chapter 1
What does the author say etiquette must include to be more than trifling?
The author argues that etiquette, if it is to be of more than trifling use, must include ethics as well as manners. What one is matters far more than what one appears to be. Knowledge of etiquette is essential to decent behavior, just as clothing is essential to decent appearance. One who has good manners is unself-conscious in observing etiquette, having absorbed its precepts so thoroughly that observance becomes instinct rather than conscious obedience.
Chapter 1
What credentials does the chapter say Best Society uses to recognize its members?
The author argues that Best Society is not a fellowship of the wealthy and does not seek to exclude those not of exalted birth. It is an association of gentle-folk whose credentials are good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of the social amenities, and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others. By these credentials, society the world over recognizes its chosen members.
Chapter 1
I. Paint & Co., (part 1)4 cards
What structural elements does Post say a social note shares with a business letter?
Post argues a social note is no harder to write than a business letter because both have one specific message and follow the same construction: date, salutation, the statement of the note's purpose, complimentary close, and signature. The differences are that a social note omits the recipient's full name and address, uses better quality stationery, and opens with "My dear ----" or "Dear ----" rather than "Dear Sir:".
Chapter 2
When must a bread and butter letter be written, and what does Post say about awkward ones?
After staying over Sunday or longer in someone's house, Post says it is absolutely necessary to write a letter of thanks to your hostess within a few days of the visit. She argues the most awkward note imaginable is better than none: writing none is the depth of rudeness, whereas an awkward note merely fails to delight. Older people, she says, are pleased by friendly, spontaneous expressions from the young.
Chapter 2
How does Post suggest a nervous guest compose a note to a formal hostess she barely knows?
Post suggests first writing to the person you actually know, such as the daughter, on an odd piece of paper in pencil, describing what a good time you had. Then copy that note onto the page beginning "Dear Mrs. Town," add love to the daughter and thanks for the invitation, and sign it "Very sincerely." She advises not to fear the note is too informal.
Chapter 2
How does Post say a bride should word thanks for wedding presents, and what does she note about gifts from uninvited senders?
Post says all wedding presents belong to the bride, but she generally words her thanks as though they belonged equally to the groom, especially for gifts from his particular friends; sometimes thanks to the husband are expressed in writing to the wife, though usually "you" means "you both." She also notes some uninvited people send presents hoping for an invitation, while others send from kindly feeling, and the two should be distinguishable.
Chapter 2
I. Paint & Co., (part 2)4 cards
What two letters accompany a letter of introduction, and what does each contain?
The chapter describes a formal letter of introduction plus a second, private letter of information sent by mail. The formal letter presents the bearer and asks the recipient to show kindness; the private letter explains who the person is, why they are worth knowing, and suggests practical help such as inviting them to the house or putting them up at a club.
Chapter 3
According to the chapter, when is the third person still used in notes?
The chapter says the third person is no longer chosen, aside from formal invitations, acceptances and regrets, except for notes to stores or subordinates. Examples include ordering needles and sewing cotton from a shop and instructing a servant about meeting a train, opening shutters, airing the house and lighting a fire. Such notes are no longer signed unless the signature is needed for identification or action.
Chapter 3
What does the chapter say a good reference for a servant should include, and what is the problem with omitting faults?
The chapter says all good references should include honesty, sobriety, capability, and a reason other than unsatisfactoriness for leaving. Because custom is to state what good one truthfully can and omit bad qualifications, except for a careless nurse where evasion borders on criminal, omission implies demerit in each unmentioned trait. So in fairness to a worthy servant, every merit should be included.
Chapter 3
What single rule does the chapter give for writing an intimate letter of condolence?
The chapter says intimate letters of condolence are like love letters, too sacred for a set form, and gives one rule: say what you truly feel, and nothing else. It advises against dwelling on illness or the manner of death and against quoting endlessly from poets and Scriptures, since a heart in grief cannot follow rhetorical lengths. Sincerity alone is of value.
Chapter 3
CHAPTER II4 cards
According to the chapter, who is presented to whom in a formal introduction?
The younger person is always presented to the older or more distinguished, but a gentleman is always presented to a lady, even an old gentleman of great distinction to a mere slip of a girl. No lady is ever presented to a man except to the President of the United States, a cardinal, or a reigning sovereign.
Chapter 5
How does inflection clarify the briefer form of introduction?
In "Mrs. Worldly, Mrs. Norman," if both names are said in the same tone it is unclear who is introduced to whom. By saying the more important name with a slightly rising inflection and the secondary name as a statement of fact, the meaning becomes as clear as if "May I present" had been used.
Chapter 5
What does the chapter say to say when introduced, and what to avoid?
Best Society has only one phrase in acknowledgment of an introduction: "How do you do?" It literally accepts no other. Persons of position do not say "Charmed" or "Pleased to meet you." Echoing the name back with a rising inflection is not good form, and saccharine chirpings are classed with crooked little fingers and other affectations.
Chapter 5
What does the chapter say about shaking hands when introduced?
Gentlemen introduced to each other always shake hands. When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, she sometimes offers her hand, especially if she has long heard about him, but to a stranger she generally merely bows slightly and says "How do you do!" It is her place to offer or not, but if he puts out his hand, refusing it is rude.
Chapter 5
CHAPTER III4 cards
According to the chapter, what is the correct formal greeting when introduced?
The chapter states the correct formal greeting is "How do you do?" This applies regardless of rank—Mrs. Worldly says it to Mrs. Younger and to the Ambassador of France alike, and both reply with "How do you do?" or merely bow. The chapter also advises against saying "pleased to meet you" on any occasion.
Chapter 6
When may a person say "I am delighted to meet you"?
The chapter permits "I am very glad to meet you" or "I am delighted to meet you at last!" only when mutual friends have long told each of the other, so both have heard much of the other. It warns you must not claim delight unless you have reason to be sure the other person is also delighted to meet you.
Chapter 6
What does the chapter say about saying "Hello" and about farewells?
The chapter says "Hello" is acceptable only between intimate friends who call each other by first name, spoken in an ordinary tone, never called out. There are only two farewells: "Good-by" and "Good night." It advises never saying "Au revoir" unless speaking French or to a French person, and never interlarding conversation with translatable foreign phrases.
Chapter 6
What are the rules for shaking hands, including gloves and church behavior?
Gentlemen always shake hands when introduced to each other; ladies rarely do so with newly introduced gentlemen but usually with other ladies. A gentleman on the street removes his right glove before shaking a lady's hand, but keeps it on at the opera, a ball, or as an usher at a wedding. In church people do not greet each other, except at a wedding, and only smile rather than bow.
Chapter 6
CHAPTER IV3 cards
When does a gentleman remove his hat in an elevator, and when may he keep it on?
A gentleman takes off his hat when a lady enters an elevator in a hotel, club, or apartment building, because such an elevator is suggestive of a room. In office buildings and stores, the elevator is considered as public as the corridor, and crowding often leaves no room for the hat except on his head. Even then, he should not let himself be crowded too near to women.
Chapter 7
How does a gentleman lift his hat to a stranger, and what does the gesture exclude?
Lifting the hat is a conventional politeness shown to strangers only, distinct from bowing, which is used for acquaintances and friends. He lifts it slightly off his forehead and replaces it, without smiling, bowing, or even looking at the person. The author argues a gentleman never subjects a lady to his scrutiny or apparent observation. He also never keeps a pipe, cigar, or cigarette in his mouth while lifting his hat.
Chapter 7
According to the chapter, who may 'cut' whom, and what is a 'cut'?
A 'cut' is a direct stare of blank refusal, insulting to its victim and embarrassing to witnesses, and the author says it is practically unknown in polite society. Only an unforgivable misdemeanor warrants it, and a lady may cut a gentleman only with the gravest cause. There are no circumstances under which a gentleman may cut any woman who can even by courtesy be called a lady. Absent-mindedness or bad memory is not a cut.
Chapter 7
CHAPTER V4 cards
According to the chapter, when does a gentleman offer a lady his arm?
A gentleman offers his arm to an old lady or invalid who wants support, and always at night when accompanying a lady—down steps, between buildings, or walking a distance—because thin high-heeled slippers make tripping likely in the dark. He also offers it at formal dinners, balls, and weddings as usher. Etiquette does not permit a gentleman to take a lady's arm.
Chapter 8
What does the chapter say about a gentleman carrying a lady's bundles?
The author argues a 'gentleman' should not carry a 'bundle,' since bundles do not suggest a lady and gentlemen and bundles do not go together. Neatly wrapped packages, flowers, fruit, or luggage are acceptable. The author notes women who ask relatives or admirers to carry crinkled, string-tied bundles may wonder why those men stop visiting.
Chapter 8
How does the chapter describe the 'escort' and a lady's protection?
The author argues there is no such person as an 'escort' in good society—he is unknown and impossible. Ladies do not go about under gentlemen's care; a young girl attends public dances only properly chaperoned and private dances with her mother or maid. A man cannot take a lady to a party she was not personally invited to by the hostess, and a lady may never be under a man's protection anywhere.
Chapter 8
What does the chapter say about payment between a young man and woman?
A gentleman usually offers to pay for small trifles like magazines or subway fare, but should not protest if she declines. If he invites her to a ball game, matinée, or tea, he buys tickets and refreshments. For a shared journey to a house party, she pays every item of her own travel, and he should not tip the porter for her bag.
Chapter 8
CHAPTER VI4 cards
What must a gentleman wear at the opera, in orchestra or box?
The chapter states a gentleman must always be in full dress at the opera: tail coat, white waistcoat, white tie, and white gloves, whether seated in the orchestra or in a box. It adds that he wears white gloves nowhere else except at a ball or when ushering at a wedding.
Chapter 9
How does a hostess seat guests in her opera box?
The hostess places her most distinguished or older guest in the corner nearest the stage, and takes the seat furthest from the stage herself. The older guest sits first, then the hostess, then the third lady goes to the front center and stands until a gentleman places a chair for her between the other two.
Chapter 9
What are the rules for a gentleman visiting other boxes at the opera?
A gentleman may visit ladies of his acquaintance during the entr'actes, but must never enter a box where he knows only the gentlemen and expect an introduction to the ladies. A lady's box is treated as her house, so he should ask permission first. He must never leave the ladies of his own box alone, and must not stay in a box after the lights lower.
Chapter 9
How should a theater party go down the aisle to their seats?
The host, or whoever holds the tickets, goes first and gives the checks to the usher, and the others follow in the order they are to sit, which the hostess directs. The person seated furthest from the aisle goes first, then the next, and so on. It is a question of seating, not precedence, and a lady never takes the aisle seat if with a gentleman.
Chapter 9
CHAPTER VII4 cards
According to the chapter, what simple rule can keep a voluble chatterer from becoming a bore?
The chapter states there is a simple rule by which a voluble chatterer can at least refrain from being a pest or a bore: to stop and think. It adds that nearly all faults or mistakes in conversation are caused by not thinking, and that being a good talker requires a good mind.
Chapter 10
What does the chapter say about repeating stories or dwelling on details?
The chapter advises trying not to repeat yourself, either by telling the same story again and again or by going back over details that seemed to interest your hearer. Many things interest when briefly told and for the first time; nothing interests when too long dwelt upon, and little interests when told a second time.
Chapter 10
How does the chapter say a well-bred person handles disagreement in conversation?
The tactful person keeps his prejudices to himself and, even when involved in a discussion, says quietly 'No. I don't think I agree with you' or 'It seems to me thus and so.' One who is well-bred never says 'You are wrong!' or 'Nothing of the kind!' If another's opinion is utterly opposed to his own, he switches to a pleasanter subject.
Chapter 10
What does the chapter say about being bored and finding interest in others?
The chapter calls being bored a bad habit, and says it is almost impossible to meet anyone who has not something of interest to tell if you are clever enough to find it out. Certain always delightful people refuse to be bored, holding that no subject need be utterly uninteresting if discussed for the first time, since repetition alone is deadly dull.
Chapter 10
CHAPTER VIII4 cards
According to the chapter, what distinguishes pretentiousness from simple bad grammar?
The author argues that ungrammatical phrases like "I seen it" merely show lack of early education, and such people may still be brilliant and well-liked. Worse is the pretentious caricature who says "Pardon me," "retiring," and "residing," since affectation offends more than plain crudeness. Pretentiousness, the author claims, is committed oftener by women than by men.
Chapter 11
What does the chapter say is the best way to cultivate taste in words?
The author recommends constantly reading the best English, since taboo expressions never appear in books of proved literary standing. But literary standing differs from popularity, and many best sellers have no literary merit. To recognize bad English, one need only skim a page for a single vulgar expression, which proves the author writes neither best English nor belongs to Best Society.
Chapter 11
Which words does the chapter say have been ruined by misuse, and what is culture's true meaning?
The author argues "elegant" was long ago turned into gaudy trumpery and "refined" is on the verge, but "culture" is the pariah of the language—rarely used by those who truly possess it and misused until it means vulgarity. Culture in its true sense is the widest possible education plus especial refinement and taste.
Chapter 11
How does the chapter distinguish regional accents from crude pronunciation?
The author says sectional traits and inherited European accents—Irish brogue, soft Southern, flat New England, rolling Western—are not uncultivated, though each may sound odd to others. Crude pronunciation from illiteracy is different: no one pretending to education says "kep" for kept, "genelmun," "laydee," "vawde-vil," or "eye-talian." Correctness follows a standard dictionary.
Chapter 11
CHAPTER IX4 cards
According to the chapter, what does the 'bank of life' metaphor mean for social position?
The author argues that life, social or business, is a bank where you deposit funds of character, intellect, and heart—or egotism, hard-heartedness, and unconcern—or nothing at all. The bank honors only what you deposit, so you can draw nothing out but what you put in. To receive admiration and honor, one must be admirable and honorable.
Chapter 12
What must a bride of good family do to establish herself socially after marriage?
She need do nothing on her own initiative. Everyone invited to her wedding breakfast or reception, and many bidden only to the church, call on her. She keeps their cards, enters them in an indexed book, and returns each call within two weeks. She assumes the visiting lists of both families, but should not ask mere family acquaintances to her house until they have first invited her.
Chapter 12
What path does the chapter advise for a total stranger with no position or letters of introduction?
The author advises joining the church of her denomination and becoming interested in some activity, which provides acquaintanceships and a respite from loneliness. Social position is gained at a snail's pace and should not be hurried. She must not be pushing or presuming, should approach no one more than half way, and should keep first visits to twenty minutes at most.
Chapter 12
According to the chapter, is money essential to social position?
The author argues no. Bachelors and very young couples are not expected to give parties, and hostesses keep inviting them without expecting return beyond politeness. The Lovejoys are cited as tremendously popular despite having no money; they return hospitality by helping make a party 'go.' The author also notes that playing cards to make money is contrary to a gentleman's ethics.
Chapter 12
CHAPTER X (part 1)3 cards
What was the visiting card originally invented for, and how is that use changing?
The card was originally invented to be left as evidence of one person's presence at another's house. The author notes this use is gradually going out of favor in fashionable circles, while other uses flourish: it replaces written notes for informal invitations, carries condolence or congratulation messages, endorses orders, and is even tacked on express boxes.
Chapter 13
What does the chapter say about a widow's name on her card?
A widow should continue to use her husband's Christian name, engraved as Mrs. John Hunter Titherington Smith, or with initials as a compromise, but never Mrs. Sarah Smith in good society. If her son with his father's name marries, she may add Sr., or if head of the family, omit Christian names and be Mrs. Smith.
Chapter 13
What is a P.P.C. card, and what does it never replace?
A P.P.C. card is a visiting card with the initials P.P.C. (pour prendre congé, to take leave) written in ink in the lower left corner. It is left at the door or mailed to acquaintances when leaving for the season or for good. It never replaces a farewell visit after especial courtesy, nor serves as thanks for especial kindness; those require a visit or a written note.
Chapter 13
CHAPTER X (part 2)4 cards
According to the chapter, why is saying 'not at home' acceptable but 'I am out' rude?
The chapter argues 'not at home' is merely a phrase of politeness, not an untruth, while saying 'I am out' after a card has been brought is both an untruth and an inexcusable rudeness. The author dismisses claims that 'not at home' is a 'white lie,' comparing such literalism to a hostess bluntly blaming a guest for ruining a sofa.
Chapter 14
What should a hostess do if a visitor's card has already been admitted but receiving her is inconvenient?
Once a card has been admitted, the visitor must be admitted also, no matter how inconvenient. The hostess may send a message that she is dressing but will be glad to see her if she can wait ten minutes. The visitor may wait or say she is pressed for time; if she does not wait, she is rather discourteous.
Chapter 14
What are the rules for the correct number of cards to leave when calling?
The visitor lays a card of her own and her daughter's for each lady in the house, and her husband's and son's for each lady and gentleman. But three is the greatest number ever left of any one card. For a house with several ladies and a guest, the visitor leaves three: one for the hostess, one for all other ladies, and one for the guest.
Chapter 14
What does the chapter say about the old-fashioned 'day at home' custom?
The author describes the old-fashioned day at home, when neighborhoods had a set weekly day and ladies in visiting dresses made calls while carriages waited. The author argues it is a delightful custom worth reviving, though more in keeping with Europe than America, which does not care for gentle paces once it has tasted swift.
Chapter 14
CHAPTER X (part 3)4 cards
How should a lady sit on formal occasions, and what may she do informally?
The author advises sitting in the center of the chair, or slightly sideways in a sofa corner, leaning back easily with hands relaxed in the lap and knees together. If knees are crossed, the foot must not thrust forward leaving a space between heel and other ankle. On informal occasions she may lean back in an easy chair with hands on the arms. In a ball dress, the author argues a lady of distinction never leans back.
Chapter 15
What should a caller do upon finding the hostess's motor at the door?
Leave a card as though she were not at home. If she happens to be in the hall or coming down the steps, say "I see you are going out, and I won't keep you!" If she insists on your coming in, stay only a moment. Do not fidget or talk about leaving; sit as though leaving immediately were not on your mind, then after two or three minutes say "Good-by" and go.
Chapter 15
When may a lady call on another under a gentleman's sponsorship?
The author states a lady never calls on another under a gentleman's sponsorship unless he is her husband or father. A young girl may properly accompany her fiancé to return a visit paid to her by members or friends of his family, but she should not pay an initial visit unless to an invalid who has written her a note asking her to do so.
Chapter 15
How should an invalid's visits be handled, and what does a proxy visitor do?
An invalid need not return visits from friends attentive enough to call often. But if a stranger calls, particularly one who may not know she is confined to the house, it is correct for a daughter, sister, or friend to leave the invalid's card and even pay a visit if the hostess is "at home." The proxy lays her own card as well as the invalid's on the tray, then explains she is appearing in place of the invalid, who cannot make visits.
Chapter 15
CHAPTER XI4 cards
What pronoun and person must formal invitations, acceptances, and regrets use?
All formal invitations—whether engraved or handwritten—along with their acceptances and regrets, are invariably written in the third person. The chapter states that good usage permits no deviation from this form, which it traces to the old custom of presenting compliments and requesting the honor of a visit.
Chapter 16
What wording distinguishes a ceremony invitation from a reception-only invitation?
A ceremony invitation requests "the honour of your presence," spelled with a "u." When only the reception or breakfast is issued—such as when a close relative is an invalid—the wording becomes "request the pleasure of your company," and the favor of an answer is requested.
Chapter 16
How is an invitation to a private ball worded, and where does "dancing" appear?
A private ball invitation announces only that the hosts will be "At Home," with "At Home" set slightly larger than the rest. The word "dancing" is added almost as an afterthought in the lower left corner. The word "ball" itself is never used except for public or semi-public events.
Chapter 16
How do wedding invitation envelopes differ from all other formal mailings?
Two envelopes are never used except for wedding invitations or announcements. Wedding invitations and accompanying cards go first in an inner envelope with no mucilage on the flap, superscribed with names but no address, then into a sealed, addressed outer envelope. Those asked only to the church receive no house invitation.
Chapter 16
CHAPTER XII (part 1)4 cards
According to the chapter, what is the true test of good taste in furnishing a house?
The author argues that suitability is the test of good taste: the article must suit the place and the furniture must suit the background. A woman of great taste follows fashion in house furnishing only in general principles, just as she follows dress fashion, choosing what is becoming to her own type and putting in her house only articles becoming to it.
Chapter 17
What four test questions does the chapter suggest for judging an article's worth?
The author proposes asking: First, is it useful? Second, has it really beauty of form, line, and color, or is it merely striking or amusing? Third, is it entirely suitable for its position? Fourth, if eliminated, would it be missed, would something else look as well or better, or would the space look as well empty? An article failing any test is not perfect.
Chapter 17
Why does the chapter say sentiment blinds people to the defects of their possessions?
The author argues that things we have lived with all our lives become so much part of ourselves that we are sentiment-blind to their defects. The example is Mrs. Oldname's Colonial officer portrait, which an art critic bluntly called dreadful; only after he pointed it out did she see it, and she eventually relegated it to the attic.
Chapter 17
What does the chapter say about the reputation of domestic service in America?
The author argues there is an inexplicable tendency, in this country only, to look on domestic service as unworthy or degrading, caused partly by the public knowing only ignorant 'servant girls' and taking them as representative. The author contends high-class servants are cultivated through refined surroundings and travel, and that vocations like lady's maid or nurse are honorable.
Chapter 17
CHAPTER XII (part 2)4 cards
What does the housekeeper ordinarily supervise in a large household?
Ordinarily the housekeeper is in charge of only the housemaids, parlor-maids, useful man and one scullery maid. The cook, butler, nurses and lady's maid do not come under her supervision. If difficulties arise with them, she may ask for their dismissal, which would probably be granted since she would not ask without grave cause beyond personal dislike.
Chapter 18
How does a butler's evening dress differ from a gentleman's?
The butler's evening dress differs in a few details: no braid on his trousers, narrower satin on lapels if any, and most distinctively a black waistcoat with a white lawn tie. A gentleman always wears a white waistcoat with a white tie, or a white waistcoat with a black tie and a dinner coat, but never the reverse.
Chapter 18
What are the duties of footmen and the useful man?
Footmen assist in waiting on the table and come under the butler's direction; one who never enters the dining-room is a useful man. Their duties include cleaning the dining-room, pantry, lower hall, vestibule and sidewalk, attending the furnace, carrying coal and wood, cleaning windows and brasses, cleaning boots, moving furniture, valeting gentlemen, setting and waiting on table, attending the front door, telephoning, and ceaselessly polishing silver.
Chapter 18
How does the cook submit menus in a house of largest size?
The chef writes the next day's menus in a large loose-leaf book every evening, sent up to the lady of the house with her breakfast tray. She crosses out disliked choices and writes alternatives, or writes orders on an envelope pad, seals it and puts the note in the book. The butler later copies the day's menus so he knows which table utensils are needed.
Chapter 18
CHAPTER XII (part 3)4 cards
Why might a débutante and her mother need two maids during the season?
A maid who goes out night after night and waits in dressing-rooms until four, five, or six in the morning must be allowed to sleep until luncheon, leaving her no time to serve the mother. The author argues this makes two maids necessary in important houses, though some engage an evening maid to bring the débutante home so the at-home maid can serve both.
Chapter 19
What does a lady's maid wear, and how does her dress change?
She wears a black skirt, laundered white waist, and small white apron buttoned in back. In traveling she wears a small black silk apron; afternoons bring a black waist with white collar and cuffs. For company occasions waiting in the dressing-room, Mrs. Gilding Jr.'s maid wears light gray taffeta with a small embroidered mull apron, black velvet waist-ribbon, and matching mull collar and cuffs.
Chapter 19
How do a valet's duties differ from a lady's maid's?
The valet's duties are exactly the same as the lady's maid's except that he does not sew. He keeps clothes brushed, cleaned, and pressed, lays them out, packs and unpacks, buys tickets, and looks after luggage. Some gentlemen want help dressing, bathing, and shaving; most just want clothes laid out. At big dinners he serves as a footman, in footman's livery.
Chapter 19
What does the author argue about a domineering or cranky nurse?
The author argues that a nurse who is really wonderful to the baby is generally kind to everyone, since devotion must be unselfish. A domineering nurse, old or young, is usually not wonderful to the baby at all, and in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred the sooner she is got rid of the better. Mothers often find the baby as relieved as the family.
Chapter 19
CHAPTER XII (part 4)2 cards
How does a butler announce a married couple who arrive separately?
The butler asks 'What name, please?' if the guest is unknown, leads the way to the hostess, and announces distinctly. If Mrs. Jones is considerably in advance of her husband, he says 'Mrs. Jones!' then waits for Mr. Jones to approach before announcing 'Mr. Jones!' At very large parties he stays outside the drawing-room and announces each name as guests pass through the door.
Chapter 20
What is the lady's maid's duty when a guest's dress has a problem?
The maid should glance over arriving guests quickly, not boldly, for anything amiss. If a dress drapery is caught or a fastening undone, she quietly says 'Excuse me, madam, but there is a hook undone' or offers to fix the caught drapery. For a rip she says a thread is loose and she will tack it, making little of the accident and being as considerate as the hostess.
Chapter 20
CHAPTER XIII4 cards
According to the chapter, what distinguishes a tea from a reception?
The author argues the difference is one of atmosphere only, like furnishing twin houses: a reception carries the heavy gloom of the mid-Victorian period, while a tea is light and alluring in the modern fashion. A tea, even when formal, is friendly and inviting; guests come in an informal, every-day spirit to see friends and be seen, not in ceremonious manner.
Chapter 21
What food and drink may be served at a formal tea?
Only tea, bouillon, chocolate, bread and cakes are served. Sandwiches, hot biscuits, crumpets, muffins, sliced cake and little cakes are all admissible as 'bread and cake,' but nothing else, or it becomes a reception and not a tea. Orangeade, lemonade or fruit-juice punch are provided for dancers, as at a ball. Chocolate and tea are poured into cups and passed on trays.
Chapter 21
Who pours tea at a larger afternoon tea, and how are they chosen?
At a tea of twenty or more, the hostess selects two intimate friends, especially invited beforehand, to pour tea at one end and chocolate at the other. She chooses friends who are decorative in appearance and, very importantly, can be counted on for gracious manners to everyone under all circumstances. They wear afternoon dresses with hats, unlike other guests in street clothes.
Chapter 21
How does the chapter describe the every-day afternoon tea table's service?
The service is identical whether in the tiny house of the newest bride or the drawing-room of Mrs. Worldly of Great Estates, except that in the little house a woman brings the tray instead of a butler with footmen. A cloth is always placed first, then a tray holding a boiling kettle with spirit lamp, empty tea-pot, tea caddy, strainer, slop bowl, cream, sugar, sliced lemon, and matching cups, saucers and napkins.
Chapter 21
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According to the chapter, what is the supreme accomplishment of a hostess?
The author argues that giving a perfect formal dinner of ceremony is the supreme accomplishment of a hostess. It requires not only perfection of furnishing, service, and culinary skill, but also personal charm and tact. The author compares a novice attempting a formal dinner to a beginning swimmer trying to swim three miles out to sea.
Chapter 22
What does Mrs. Worldly personally decide when giving a dinner?
Mrs. Worldly decides only the date and the principal guests forming the nucleus, leaving every other detail to subordinates, even completing her guest list. She picks additional names as substitutes and a few amusing younger people. Her secretary sends invitations on dinner blanks, and the cook and butler handle menu and table.
Chapter 22
How does Mrs. Worldly arrange her place cards?
She places her own card at one end and her husband's at the other. The lady of honor goes on his right and the second in importance on his left; the two most important gentlemen sit on either side of her. She fits the others between, seating congenial people side by side. The secretary then notes each lady's seat in the envelope addressed to the gentleman on whose right she sits.
Chapter 22
What goes wrong at the novice's first formal dinner?
The fire smokes and must be carried out, delaying dinner. The waitress shouts 'Dinner's all ready!' instead of announcing quietly. The soup is greasy, brown, and tepid; plates are stacked and dealt like cards; the fish mousse is a huge mound with curdled sauce. The author uses this to show dinner giving is not as easy as it seems.
Chapter 22
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What is the 'Pantry' list and who uses it?
The Pantry list is a list made out for the butler's benefit, so he can invite guests to fill in when someone cancels. It comprises only intimate friends on the Neutral list who fit in everywhere: young girls and young and older single men. Married people are seldom on it, because the butler need only fill an odd place, typically that of a gentleman.
Chapter 23
What rule governs breaking a dinner engagement?
Dinner invitations must be answered immediately—by return post if written, by telephone at once if telephoned. Only serious illness, death, or an utterly unavoidable accident excuses breaking a dinner engagement. Accepting one hostess's dinner and then dropping it for a more fashionable invitation marks a person as an unmitigated snob; the rule is not to accept an invitation you don't care about.
Chapter 23
What is the maximum number of courses for a formal private dinner?
A formal private dinner consists of no more than eight courses: hors d'oeuvre, soup, fish, entrée, roast, salad, dessert, and coffee. An informal dinner would omit the entrée and possibly either the hors d'oeuvre or the soup. The author notes formal dinners have been this short for twenty-five years; longer menus with extra entrées are unknown except at public dinners or parvenu tables.
Chapter 23
Why does the author criticize a menu of samples?
The author argues a dinner should not be long, but also should not consist of samples, especially before hungry men. The sample menu—canapé, clear soup, one smelt apiece, tiny sweetbread croutards, squab, and ice cream—would send a man foraging in the ice box. The author says women often order trimmings rather than food, while men usually like food.
Chapter 23
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How are forks and knives arranged at each place setting?
On the left of the plate, handle toward the table edge and prongs up, the salad fork goes nearest the plate, then the meat fork, then the fish fork. On the right, nearest the plate, go the steel meat knife, then the silver fish knife with edges toward the plate, then the soup spoon and oyster fork or grape fruit spoon.
Chapter 24
What rule governs whether a plate may be exchanged for another?
A plate that has had food on it can never be exchanged for another plate that has had food on it; a clean plate must come between. So if a cold first course was eaten on the place plate, a clean exchange plate is supplied before the soup plate is set on top of it.
Chapter 24
What does the author say about dull or dirty silver on the table?
The author argues that no silver should be put on the table if it cannot be cleaned, and that glass, china, plain plated flatware, or even tin is preferable to silver so dull it looks like jaundiced pewter. In moderate households, the solution is using no more silver than can be kept cleaned.
Chapter 24
How does the author describe the pace expected of modern dinner service?
The author argues people of the day will not wait an unnecessary second: when fish is passed, the accompanying sauce or cucumbers should follow at once, and gravy or jelly should arrive with the meat. No service is good unless it is swift and soundless, though the author calls one Newport hostess's twenty-minute dinners extreme.
Chapter 24
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How are hot dishes presented to guests, and what implements accompany them?
Dishes are presented flat on the palm of the servant's right hand, with a napkin as a pad under every hot one. A heavy meat platter may be steadied with the left hand, protected by a second folded napkin. Each dish carries the needed implements: a serving spoon on all dishes, plus a large fork for fish, meat, salad, and hard-to-help vegetables.
Chapter 25
How does the guest of honor get chosen and seated at a formal dinner?
The guest of honor is the oldest lady present, or a stranger the hostess wishes to honor. A bride at her first dinner after her honeymoon, or a younger woman long away being welcomed home, may take precedence over elders. The guest of honor is led in by the host and seated on his right; the hostess always enters the dining-room last.
Chapter 25
What is the difference between the hotel and private house dessert services?
In the hotel method, a china dessert plate with spoon and fork is set first; after ice cream, a fruit plate with finger bowl replaces it. In the private house service, the glass ice cream plate sits under the matching finger bowl on the fruit plate with a doily between, and the guest lifts off the bowl and eats ice cream on the glass plate.
Chapter 25
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What is the rule about talking to your neighbor at a dinner table?
One inexorable rule is that you must talk to your next-door neighbor at dinner, even someone with whom you have had a bitter quarrel. Consideration for the hostess, who would be distressed, and for the rest of the table, which would otherwise be blocked, requires that you give no outward sign of repugnance and make at least a pretence of talking.
Chapter 26
What does the chapter say about refusing dishes at the table?
It used to be an offense, and is still considered impolite, to refuse dishes, because refusal implies you do not like what is offered. If this is true, you should take at least a little on your plate and make a pretence of eating. If you are on a diet and accepted the invitation with that stipulation, not eating is excusable.
Chapter 26
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At a very large dinner, how are guests assigned and identified at their tables?
A dinner of sixty is served at separate tables: a center table of twenty and four corner tables of ten each. Each table is identified by a number or by differently colored flowers (pink, yellow, orchid, white), and that number or color is written in the corner of the ladies' name cards placed in the envelopes handed to each arriving gentleman at the door.
Chapter 27
What rule governs seating of prominent guests across multiple tables?
The host and hostess always sit at the big center table, and the others at that table are invariably the oldest present. The author warns that you must never put all the prominent ones at one table, unless you want forever to lose the acquaintance of those at every other table. Guests do not resent grouping by age, but many resent segregation of ultra fashionables.
Chapter 27
What does the chapter say about a wife appearing at her husband's stag dinner?
If a man gives a stag dinner in his own house, his wife or mother should not appear. The author says a wife coming downstairs to receive guests cannot be too strongly condemned as out of place, and is more likely to make guests think her husband a hen-pecked "poor worm." For a mother to appear at a son's dinner is, if anything, worse.
Chapter 27
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Why does the chapter advise against serving dishes that need accompanying condiments at informal dinners?
The author argues that dishes requiring immediate accessories delay service badly when there is no extra staff. With only one butler or waitress, no dish should be included unless it is complete in itself, unless only one or two are at table or the guests are neither critical nor modern. Choosing self-contained dishes lets one person wait on eight.
Chapter 28
Which dishes does the chapter recommend as needing no following dish whatever?
Filet mignon and fillet of beef surrounded by clumps of vegetables, and chicken casserole, are called life-savers for a hostess with one waitress. French chops banked against mashed potatoes or chestnut purée suit lunch better. Fried chicken with corn fritters on the platter also works, since its green vegetable can be served leisurely.
Chapter 28
What does the chapter say about a cook attempting new dishes for company?
The author warns that inexperienced cooks should never attempt a new dish for company, however attractive it sounds. It should first be tried on family or intimate friends who will understand a failed trial dish. If a cook excels only at simple fare like bread, cake, waffles, or oyster stew, the hostess can make a specialty of informal suppers instead.
Chapter 28
How should a hostess handle a servant's blunder during dinner?
The author advises pretending not to notice if possible, and never apologizing or drawing attention unless the accident affects a guest. Taking a servant to task worsens things, since the cause is usually nervousness or ignorance. Direct her gently, as you would teach a child, and praise good service, since a little praise is mere justice.
Chapter 28
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When is a stand-up meal called breakfast rather than lunch?
According to the chapter, a stand-up meal is called breakfast if the hour is twelve or half after twelve, and lunch if it is at one or one-thirty. The invitation may be telephoned or written on an ordinary visiting card, and if R.s.v.p. is added, it should be answered; otherwise the hostess must guess how many to provide for.
Chapter 29
How does a hostess receive guests at a formal luncheon?
Unlike a dinner, there is rarely a chauffeur, carpet, or awning. The hostess sits in the center of the room with an unobstructed approach from the door. Each guest is preceded by the butler to within speaking distance, where he announces the name; with a waitress, guests greet her unannounced. She rises or steps forward, shakes hands, greets the guest, and makes introductions if needed.
Chapter 29
What is the traditional luncheon table setting like?
Candles have no place on a lunch or breakfast table except where the dining-room lacks daylight. A plain damask cloth is correct for dinner but not luncheon; the traditional lunch table is 'bare,' meaning a centerpiece with matching place mats in varied linen, needlework, and lace. A bread and butter plate, always part of luncheon service, sits at the left beyond the forks.
Chapter 29
What does the chapter say about luncheon menus and courses?
Five courses at most, or more usually four, are thought sufficient in the smartest houses. A typical menu runs fruit or soup, eggs, meat and vegetables, salad, dessert. An informal lunch is seldom more than four courses, dropping one of the first, second, or last. The chapter also states no meal should ever be chosen without at least one course of hot food.
Chapter 29
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According to the chapter, what is the fundamental difference between a ball and a dance?
The chapter states that people of all ages are invited to a ball, while only those of approximately one age are asked to a dance. Ball invitations properly include all the hostess's personal friends regardless of age, plus her better-known social acquaintances—everyone she would invite to a formal dinner.
Chapter 30
Why does the chapter say music matters more than rooms for a ball?
The author argues that with perfect music a ball's success is more than three-quarters assured, while without it the most beautiful decorations and delicious supper are as flat as a fallen soufflé. At all balls there must be two orchestras, so that each time one finishes playing the other begins.
Chapter 30
What does the chapter say about asking a hostess for an invitation to a ball?
It is always permissible to ask a hostess if you may bring a dancing man who is a stranger to her, since men who dance are an asset. Asking for an extra girl is harder, unless the asker will look after her or she is a man's fiancée. Invitations for older people are never asked for unless they are distinguished strangers.
Chapter 30
What does the chapter say about supper at a ball, including payment and menu?
At a private ball guests do not pay for anything, sign supper checks, or tip the waiter, since the restaurant becomes the host's private dining room. A continuous sit-down supper avoids birds or broiled chicken, using sauced dishes like lobster Newburg that keep hot. The author notes champagne, once essential, has gone the way of fable.
Chapter 30
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Why should masquerade invitations include vouchers or tickets?
The chapter states that vouchers or tickets of admission, like those sent with invitations to assembly or public balls, should be enclosed in masquerade invitations. Otherwise it would be too easy for dishonest or other undesirable persons to gain admittance. If vouchers are not sent with the invitations, or mailed afterward to those who accepted, the hostess must receive guests singly in a small private room and ask each to unmask before her.
Chapter 31
What does the chapter say about how Mrs. Oldname walks across a ballroom?
The author describes Mrs. Oldname as perfectly balanced, holding herself straight without suggesting a ramrod, taking medium-length steps, and walking from the hip rather than the knee. She never swings her arms, rests a hand on her hip, or gesticulates. Her grandmother, a Toplofty, made all her grandchildren walk daily across a polished floor with sand-bags on their heads, directing the drill herself.
Chapter 31
Why does the author argue the cotillion encouraged good manners?
The author argues that cotillions put people on exhibition, whereas modern dancers are unnoticed components of a general crowd. When only about a sixth of those in the room danced while others watched, those on exhibition naturally danced as well as they could, and since walking across the room and offering a favor were also watched, grace of deportment and correct manners were unlikely to deteriorate.
Chapter 31
What is the flock-system the author recommends for young girls at balls?
The author suggests young girls and young men go everywhere together, always sit in a flock, always go to supper together, and always dance with one another. Then they have a good time and are popular with drifting odd men. If a man knows one of her group will inevitably cut in, he is eager to dance with her, and he can return to her and the others whenever he chooses.
Chapter 31
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What does the chapter say about a girl's right to refuse a dance or stop dancing?
The chapter states that a young girl who is dancing may not refuse to change partners when another cuts in, and that shaking her head no to a stag is considered rude. However, it is always the girl's privilege to stop dancing, while a man is supposed to dance on and on until she or the music stops.
Chapter 32
How should a gentleman ask a lady to dance or to supper, and what should he avoid saying?
A gentleman introduced to a lady says "May I have some of this?" or "Would you care to dance?" To invite her to supper he says "Will you go to supper with me?" or "May I take you to supper?" He should never ask "Have you a partner?" because that puts her in the awkward position of admitting she has none. A lady never asks a gentleman to dance.
Chapter 32
What does the chapter say about surprises and formal versus country entertainments?
The author argues that formal occasions demand strict conventions and that surprise must be avoided at dignified occasions; those wanting to spring surprises should save them for a children's party. By contrast, in the country a barn dance, impromptu play, or calico masquerade is appropriate, but music must be good and the floor adequate and smooth.
Chapter 32
How are subscription dances organized, and who controls the invitations?
A small group of prominent ladies forms a list of patronesses, elects officers and a managing committee, and members pay dues for tickets. Members submit guest names to the committee on invitations rather than sending tickets themselves, to avoid duplication and preserve exclusiveness. Every name must be approved by the committee, which holds a special meeting for the purpose.
Chapter 32
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What are the five ways a young girl may be presented to society, in order of preference?
The chapter lists: first and most elaborate, a ball (possible only to wealthy parents with wide social acquaintance); second, an afternoon tea with dancing; third, a small dance presenting her to the younger set and a few of her mother's intimate friends; fourth, a small tea without music; fifth, simply sending the mother's visiting card with the daughter's name engraved below her own, announcing she is eligible for invitations.
Chapter 33
What does the chapter say about the débutante's dress at a ball versus an afternoon tea?
At a ball she wears her prettiest ball dress; old-fashioned sentiment prefers white in diaphanous material like net, gauze, or lace, not overelaborate, suggesting something light, airy, gay, and above all young. Pale colors suit girls whom white does not; strong colors like red or Yale blue and on no account black. At an afternoon tea she wears a very simple evening dress, usually pale and untrimmed.
Chapter 33
According to the chapter, what is the author's view on lavish parties versus simple ones?
The author argues that big, lavish entertainments are dwindling while small, informal ones increase, and that extravagance of expenditure is growing less—contrary to popular opinion. In New York smartest society, a general entertainment is not even considered necessary to introduce a daughter; many fashionable hostesses gave dances limited to young people, and scarcely a dozen private balls occurred.
Chapter 33
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According to the chapter, which young girl is truly 'free'?
The author argues that the only really free young girl is the one whose chaperon is never far away. Because the chaperon serves as a strong protective defense, such a girl need give conventionality little thought and need not mind her P's and Q's. By contrast, an unchaperoned girl is like an unarmed traveler among wolves, safe only by not attracting notice.
Chapter 34
When is a chaperon considered unnecessary for a young girl?
The chapter says a young girl may drive a motor alone or with an approved young man for short country distances, and may play golf or tennis, visit the Country Club or Golf Club nearby, sit on the beach, canoe, and ride horseback. She attends private parties without her own chaperon, since the hostess's invitation implies a suitable chaperon will be present.
Chapter 34
What are the chaperon's duties regarding objectionable persons and confidence?
The chapter states a chaperon has no right to be inquisitive or interfering without good reason. If an objectionable person—one not considered a gentleman—shows the girl attentions, it is her duty to cut the acquaintance short at the beginning, before the girl's interest is aroused. For this, confidence and sympathy between chaperon and charge are vital, since no modern girl obeys blindly without valuing that judgment.
Chapter 34
How do conventions differ by locality, per the chapter's examples?
The author notes propriety shifts by place: in New York a young girl may not go alone with a man to the theater, yet in Victorian Baltimore that was proper, as was his seeing her home from a ball. The chapter also calls it upside down that a girl may motor or sit by the sea with a man but not lunch with him in a restaurant, and finds the moving-picture matinée allowance mysterious.
Chapter 34
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According to the chapter, what is the accepted suitor's first duty after deciding to marry?
The chapter states that as soon as the couple have made up their minds, the man's immediate duty is to go to the girl's father or guardian and ask his consent. If her father refuses, the engagement cannot exist; the man must then try through work or other proof of stability to win approval. Failing that, the young woman must either dismiss him or marry in opposition to her parents.
Chapter 35
What does the chapter say about the engagement ring and its symbolism?
The chapter calls the solitaire diamond the conventional emblem of the singleness and endurability of the one love, with the stone supposed to be pure and flawless. It notes symbolic meanings for other stones — sapphire for true blue, pearls for tears, emeralds for jealousy, opals for bad luck, ruby for warmth — but dismisses all of this as purest unfounded superstition.
Chapter 35
What etiquette rules govern the groom's parents after the engagement is accepted?
Etiquette demands the parents of the bridegroom-elect call at once, within twenty-four hours, upon the parents of the bride-to-be. If illness or absence prevents one, the other must go alone. If the young man is an orphan, his uncle, aunt, or nearest relative goes in the parents' place. Not even deep mourning excuses failure to observe this formality.
Chapter 35
Who makes the engagement announcement, and what does the chapter say about giving news to papers?
The announcement is invariably made by the parents of the bride-elect, and it is a breach of etiquette for a member of the young man's family to tell of the engagement before the formal announcement is arranged. The bride's mother typically telephones the papers the evening before. The chapter says old-fashioned prejudice against giving personal news to papers is fading, and a dignified statement of facts is now accepted.
Chapter 35
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Who must the bride's mother consult before fixing the wedding date and church?
Before deciding the date, the bride's mother must find out on which day the clergyman is disengaged and confirm the church is bespoken for no other service. If the wedding is important, she must also ensure the available church time suits the caterer. Sundays and days in Lent are not chosen for weddings.
Chapter 36
Why are invitations sent to people in mourning or living far away?
Invitations to a big church wedding go to the entire visiting list, even people in deep mourning and those living thousands of miles away. The author explains that invitations not merely proffer hospitality but are messengers carrying the news of the marriage, so distance and mourning do not exclude them.
Chapter 36
Where may a wedding reception be held, and where never?
The author states one unalterable rule: the reception must be at the house of the bride's parents, grandparents, or other relative, or in assembly rooms rented by her family. Never should a wedding reception be given at the house of the groom's family. They may give parties after the marriage, but the breakfast and trousseau come from the bride's side.
Chapter 36
How does the author describe the simple 'Cinderella' wedding?
The author recounts a June country wedding where a poor girl married a rich man. Invitations were by word of mouth and personal notes; the village church was decorated with dogwood by the bride and neighbors. Her tarlatan and tulle dress was self-made, the collation simple, and the music a borrowed victrola. The author argues it was as lovely as any costly wedding.
Chapter 36
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According to the chapter, whose property are wedding presents, and how are they marked?
Wedding presents are all sent to the bride and are, according to law, her personal property. Articles are marked with her present, not her future, initials. The author argues the custom of marking with the bride's maiden initials is senseless, since she will use the linen and silver under her married name, and guests may not recognize what the initial stands for.
Chapter 37
What does the chapter say about a bride exchanging wedding presents?
The author argues no friend should feel hurt if a bride exchanges a present, unless the friend is very close and chose it with particular sentiment. A bride never changes presents from her own or the groom's family unless told she may. Keeping twenty-two salt cellars and sixteen silver trays while lacking pepper-pots or coffee spoons would put sentiment above sense.
Chapter 37
How are bridesmaids' costumes chosen and coordinated, and what about a bridesmaid in mourning?
The bride selects the bridesmaids' slippers, stockings, dresses, bouquets, gloves and hats without consulting their taste. Bridesmaids are dressed alike in texture and model, though colors may differ; the maid of honor usually wears the same model in reverse colors. A bridesmaid in mourning wears colors that day, since the dresses are uniforms, not individual costumes, and adds no black band.
Chapter 37
How does the chapter contrast the extravagant and moderate trousseau?
The extravagant trousseau includes dozens of fine linen sheets, towels, tablecloths and napkins, plus many evening and street clothes; the author notes only very rich and indulgent parents could afford it. The moderate trousseau cuts quantity and quality, often substituting cotton for linen. The author argues youth seldom needs expensive embellishment and home-sewn items can look as lovely.
Chapter 37
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What does etiquette require the groom, best man, and ushers to wear at every wedding?
At every wedding, great or small, city or country, etiquette demands that the groom, best man, and ushers all wear high silk hats, and that the groom carry a walking stick. The groom must also wear a well-fitting morning coat (cutaway) with dark striped gray trousers, since the frock coat is out of fashion. White buckskin gloves are smartest, gray suede most conventional, and white kid only in the evening.
Chapter 38
How does the best man's attire differ from the groom's and the ushers'?
The best man wears precisely what the groom wears, with one small exception: the groom's boutonnière is slightly different and more elaborate. The groom and best man often wear ties different from the ushers', and occasionally white waistcoats. Otherwise the two principal men are dressed like the ushers, who must each be an exact counterpart of his fellows for a perfect picture.
Chapter 38
Why is the wedding rehearsal considered vitally important?
The author argues that without rehearsal the effect is hitchy and disjointed, wasting all preparation. Gauche happenings are not serious offenses, but any detail destroying the smoothness of the general impression is fatal to dignity, which is the qualification needed above all in ceremonial observances. The bride directs the rehearsal but never takes part, as it is supposed to be bad luck; an understudy replaces her.
Chapter 38
What is the origin of the glass-breaking custom at the bachelor dinner?
The author explains the breaking habit originated with drinking the bride's health and breaking the stem of the wine glass so it 'might never serve a less honorable purpose' — a perfectly high-minded sentiment. Toward the end of the dinner the groom rises, holds a filled champagne glass aloft, says 'To the bride!' Every man rises, drinks the toast standing, and breaks the delicate stem.
Chapter 38
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Who is responsible for the cost of the wedding trip, and what exceptions exist?
The groom must bear the entire cost of the wedding trip, even if the bride has millions and he earns ten dollars a week; convention has no more rigid rule. Two modifications: her family may lend a house, or if she is a widow they may use one of her own not shared with her late husband. Her motor is acceptable if he drives and pays garage expenses.
Chapter 39
How should the groom prepare wedding trip accommodations, and why tell the proprietor?
He must plan long ahead so the best accommodations can be reserved. If the first stop is local, he should personally select rooms days or weeks in advance and frankly tell the proprietor or room clerk, asking him to keep the secret. If at a distance, he books train seats or boat stateroom and writes to the hotel early enough for a written reply.
Chapter 39
What does the groom give the bride, and what rule governs the choice?
The groom buys the handsomest ornament he can afford—pearls if wealthy, or a diamond pendant, brooch, or bracelet, perhaps only a simple bangle or charm. Whatever its worth, it must be something for her personal adornment. The author notes it is exceptional and enviable for a man to take his fiancée to the jeweler to choose what she fancies.
Chapter 39
What gifts and fees must the groom provide, and how is the clergyman paid?
He provides gifts for his best man and ushers, plus their ties, gloves, and boutonnières, and a bouquet for his bride. He also pays the clergyman's fee—a ten dollar gold piece or one or two new one hundred dollar bills, depending on his wealth and the wedding's importance. It is enclosed in an envelope and handed over by the best man in the vestry-room right after the ceremony.
Chapter 39
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What are the best man's duties on the wedding day?
The best man acts as a cross between trained nurse, valet, general manager and keeper. He packs the groom's luggage, transports it to the bride's house and hotel or station, registers for the couple, and serves as valet—seeing the groom is dressed and ready. He carries the wedding ring and clergyman's fee in his waistcoat pocket, and may carry a duplicate ring in case one is lost.
Chapter 40
Why does the best man register at the hotel before the couple arrives?
He registers for the newlyweds, takes the room key, and returns it to the groom so the couple can go quietly to their rooms without attracting notice. Otherwise they would arrive with baggage and be conspicuously escorted by a bell-boy whose manner unmistakably proclaims 'Bride and Groom!' If traveling by boat or train, he checks the large pieces and fees a porter for the hand luggage.
Chapter 40
How does the bride's glove accommodate the wedding ring?
Some brides simply pull the left glove inside out at the altar. Usually the under seam of the wedding-ring finger is ripped for about two inches so she need only pull off the tip to have the ring put on. If the wedding is small, she may wear no gloves at all. The face veil, a short separate piece about a yard square, is removed by the maid of honor after the ceremony.
Chapter 40
What does the chapter say about the bridal veil's origin and the garland?
The chapter calls the veil's origin an unsettled question: Roman brides wore yellow veils and veils appeared in ancient Hebrew marriage ceremonies. It may substitute for flowing tresses or amplify a medieval head-dress. The garland, however, was the 'coronet of the good girl,' and old books say every virtuous bride must wear a ring, a brooch and a garland.
Chapter 40
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Which side of the church is the groom's side, and who sits in the first pews?
The right-hand side of the church is always the groom's side and the left is the bride's. The bride's parents always sit in the first pew on the left facing the chancel, and the groom's parents always sit in the first pew on the right. The first six to twenty pews on both sides are fenced off with white ribbons as a reserved enclosure.
Chapter 41
How does the chapter recommend seating guests 'in front of the ribbons'?
The author argues the typewritten list is bad: it wastes time and can slight guests whose names aren't found. The better method is a pew card enclosed with the invitation or an inscribed visiting card, so guest and usher both know exactly where to go. A 'Reserved' card without a number places the guest in the best available spot behind the family pews.
Chapter 41
What happens if the wedding ring slips and falls during the ceremony?
If the ring falls, the best man must pick it up if he can do so without searching; if not, he quietly produces the duplicate that all careful best men carry in the other waistcoat pocket, and the ceremony continues. The lost or unused ring is returned to the jeweler the next day. The chapter notes a substitute is seldom necessary.
Chapter 41
What is the proper order of seating and arrival at a perfectly managed wedding?
Guests without reserved cards should arrive first to find good places, then reserved-seat guests, and lastly the immediate families, who have places held in the front pews. The bride arrives exactly one minute after the hour. The groom's mother goes down the aisle on the head usher's arm, then the groom's father, then the bride's mother. No one is seated after the bride's mother.
Chapter 41
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Who cuts the wedding cake, and how is it served?
The bride always cuts the cake: she inserts the knife and makes one cut through it, after which each person cuts a slice for themselves. The cake's top is usually a cover that is lifted off first. If a large piece remains, the bride's mother wraps it in tin foil, seals it in a tin box, and keeps it for the bride to open on her first anniversary.
Chapter 42
What favors are baked into the bride's cake and what do they mean?
Small foil-wrapped articles are pushed through the cake's bottom. On the bridesmaids' side: a ten-cent piece for riches, a gold ring for 'first to be married,' a thimble, parrot, or cat for 'old maid,' and a wishbone for the 'luckiest.' On the ushers' side: a button or dog for the bachelor, and miniature dice for lucky chance. The ring and ten-cent piece appear on both sides.
Chapter 42
How is the bridal party seated at the bride's table?
The bride and groom sit next to each other, she on his right. The maid of honor (or matron) sits on his left, and the best man on the bride's right. Bridesmaids and ushers alternate around the rest of the table. Sometimes one or two close friends or sisters not in the wedding party are included, and when there are no bridesmaids this is always the case.
Chapter 42
What does the bride wear for the going-away, and what does the author advise?
The bride chooses her going-away dress for the journey: a small motor hat and wrap for an open car, a traveling dress for train or boat, or town or country attire for a nearby hotel or country house. The author argues she should not dress like a circus parade or Christmas tree ornaments, and that brides and grooms of good taste try to be as inconspicuous as possible.
Chapter 42
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At a house wedding, what does the bride's mother do as guests arrive?
The bride's mother stands at the door of the drawing-room (or wherever the ceremony is held) and receives people as they arrive. The groom's mother, by contrast, merely takes her place near the altar with the rest of the immediate family. Just before the bride's entrance, her mother goes forward and stands in the reserved part of the room.
Chapter 43
How does a house wedding differ from a church wedding in the recessional?
The chief difference is that the bride and groom do not take a single step together; the groom meets her where the service is read. After the ceremony there is no recessional: the clergyman withdraws, an usher removes the prayer bench, and the couple simply turn where they stand to receive congratulations. The groom also kisses the bride before they turn, since tradition forbids anyone kissing her first.
Chapter 43
What expenses does the groom traditionally cover for a wedding?
The groom's expenses include the engagement ring (as handsome as he can afford), a wedding present of personal adornment, his bachelor dinner, the marriage license, personal gifts and wedding ties, gloves and boutonnières for his best man and ushers, the bride's bouquet, the wedding ring, and the clergyman's fee. From the moment the couple leaves on their wedding trip, all expenditure becomes his.
Chapter 43
What rules apply to a widow's second marriage?
A widow cannot wear white or orange blossoms, which are emblems of virginity, and she has no bridesmaids, though she may have one attendant or none. She usually chooses a quiet wedding, wearing an afternoon street dress and hat, with a small church ceremony and two to four ushers. Only intimate friends send presents for a second marriage; general acquaintances are never expected to.
Chapter 43
CHAPTER XXIII4 cards
Who should be chosen as godparents, and why does the author discourage grandparents?
The author argues godparents should be intimate friends rather than relatives, since their sole advantage is adding to the child's relatives and becoming protectors if the child is orphaned. However, if a child has plenty of relatives, godparents may be chosen from among them. The author calls choosing grandparents senseless, as the relationship is already as close as possible and parents are likely to outlive their own parents.
Chapter 44
What are the godparent counts for a boy and for a girl?
For a girl, there are two godmothers and one godfather. For a boy, there are two godfathers and one godmother. These godparents are chosen before the christening date is set. If a chosen godparent is abroad or out of reach, a proxy takes part in the ceremony instead, without thereby becoming a godfather.
Chapter 44
Why does the author prefer a house christening over a church one?
The author argues a house christening is easier, safer, and prettier: the baby avoids having wraps put on and off and being taken out, so it is less likely to catch cold. A baby brought down from the nursery is generally 'good,' and if it cries it can be taken to another room and brought back, whereas in church it just has to cry.
Chapter 44
What is served at the christening tea, and what do the cake and caudle signify?
The christening cake is generally a white 'lady' cake elaborately iced, sometimes with the baby's initials and garlands of pink sugar roses. The 'caudle,' though cookbooks call it a gruel, is actually a hot eggnog drunk from little punch cups. One eats the cake as a sign of partaking in the baby's hospitality and being its friend, and drinks the caudle to its health and prosperity.
Chapter 44
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According to the chapter, what is etiquette's role at a time of death?
The author argues that etiquette performs its most vital service during deepest sorrow: it smooths personal contacts by drawing shades, muffling the bell, keeping the house quiet, hushing voices and footsteps, shielding the bereaved from importunate outsiders, and ensuring the last rites are performed smoothly with beauty and gravity so grief may be assuaged.
Chapter 45
What should be done immediately after a death occurs?
Someone, usually the trained nurse, draws the blinds in the sick-room and has all house blinds drawn. Then immediate family, the clergyman, and the church sexton are telephoned or telegraphed, plus one or two trusted close friends. The sexton of nearly every Protestant church is also the undertaker; if not, an outside funeral director is sent for.
Chapter 45
Why are honorary pallbearers not asked to carry the coffin?
Honorary pallbearers serve only at church funerals and do not carry the coffin because, being unaccustomed to bearing such a burden, one might stumble or seem uncertain or awkward, detracting from the solemnity. The sexton's trained assistants carry it instead, to prevent blundering. Near relatives are never chosen as pallbearers; their place is with the women of the family.
Chapter 45
What does the chapter warn about funeral directors and expenses?
The author argues that long association with death can deprive a funeral director of moderation; unchecked, he may bring the most ornate casket, perform every costly rite, employ every attendant, order vehicles fit for a president, and even secure a pledge for an elaborate mausoleum. Someone who knows the family's taste and purse should personally select the coffin and review all details.
Chapter 45
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According to the chapter, who typically goes to the cemetery for a funeral nowadays?
The chapter states it is very rare nowadays for anyone but a small group of relatives and intimate men friends to go to the cemetery. It adds that no women being present at the graveside is not thought unloving or slighting of the dead. If women do attend a ground interment, someone should order the grave lined with boughs and green branches to lessen the impression of bare earth.
Chapter 46
What does the chapter say about the modern tendency in mourning customs?
The author argues the tendency today is toward sincerity. A generation or two ago, mourning periods were definitely prescribed by degree of relationship, regardless of real feelings. Now people do not put on black for aunts, uncles and cousins unless there is deep affection as well as blood ties, and many do not believe in mourning at all, though the number who avoid black remains comparatively small.
Chapter 46
What mourning does the chapter prescribe for a young widow?
The chapter says the young widow should wear deep crepe for a year, then lighter mourning for six months, then second mourning for six months longer. She should never remain in mourning for her first husband after deciding she can be consoled by a second, but should keep the new attraction from her thoughts until the year of respect is up, after which she is free to wear colors.
Chapter 46
What does the chapter say about wearing a crepe veil to public places of amusement?
The chapter says a woman should never wear a crepe veil to the theater, restaurant, or any public place of amusement. Yet it notes that people left alone grow morbid, and the opera, concert, or an interesting play may beneficially relax them. Going to a matinee with a close friend or relative is becoming more usual, and picture theaters are called an undeniable blessing.
Chapter 46
CHAPTER XXIV (part 3)4 cards
What should you do upon the death of an intimate friend or acquaintance?
Upon the death of an intimate acquaintance or friend, you should go at once to the house, write "With sympathy" on your card and leave it at the door, or write a letter to the family. In either case, you send flowers addressed to the nearest relative, with a sympathy message on the accompanying card.
Chapter 47
How should you respond when a death notice requests no flowers?
If a notice in the papers requests that no flowers be sent, you send them only if you are a very intimate friend. Alternatively, if you prefer, you may send a few flowers with a note immediately after the funeral to the family member who is particularly your friend.
Chapter 47
When is it proper to attend a funeral, and when should you not?
Where a general notice is published, it is proper to show sympathy by attending even with little more than a visiting acquaintance. You should not leave cards or attend a funeral of someone with whom you had no association or to whose house you were never asked. But it is delinquent not to attend for a business associate or frequent host.
Chapter 47
How should one dress and seat oneself at a funeral?
You should wear black clothes if you have them, or otherwise the darkest, least conspicuous you possess. Enter the church as quietly as possible, and since there are no ushers at a funeral, seat yourself where you approximately belong. Only a very intimate friend should take a position far up on the center aisle; mere acquaintances sit inconspicuously in the rear.
Chapter 47
CHAPTER XXV (part 1)4 cards
What three exceptions allow a guest to share a room in a well-appointed house?
The chapter names three: a husband and wife, if the hostess is certain they share quarters at home; two young girls who volunteer to room together when the house is crowded; and occasions like a wedding, ball, or athletic event where young people accept one night of doubling up. Otherwise no guest is put in a room with anyone else.
Chapter 48
Why does the hostess rarely meet guests at the station herself?
The hostess stays home because other guests arriving by motor might find the house empty, and it is very rude for a hostess to be out when guests arrive. The host, a son, or a daughter may meet arrivals instead. The hostess must still send a car for everyone expected, hiring public conveyances and paying the fares if needed.
Chapter 48
What does the chapter say a perfect guest room requires?
The author argues perfection comes not from size or period decoration but from painstaking attention to detail, within reach of any hostess who can invite people at all. She should test each room herself: comfortable bed, long sheets, enough pillows and covers, a readable night light, books, candle and matches, usable pins, fresh blotter, stamps, hangers, and a clock that actually goes.
Chapter 48
What does the chapter expect of the host when guests arrive?
The host always goes into the front hall and shakes hands with every arriving guest. He asks whether they want to be shown to their rooms, and if not, sees that men without valets give their keys to the butler or footman and women without maids give theirs to the duty maid. Guests wanting to freshen up ask to be shown up but should not linger.
Chapter 48
CHAPTER XXV (part 2)4 cards
Why might Miss Young New York decline a weekend invitation from Mrs. Stranger?
The chapter says she is "wilfully narrow-minded" and chary of accepting until she learns which of her particular friends are also invited. She telephones two or three of her own group first; if some are going she accepts with pleasure, and if not she likely regrets. By contrast, she accepts the Gildings at once, and the Jack Littlehouses with equal alacrity despite their lack of luxury.
Chapter 49
What two reasons does the chapter give for enjoying stays with certain people?
First, hosts with wonderful, luxurious houses filled with amusing people, where the visit is a continuous delightful experience even with little personal intercourse or friendship with the hostess. Second, the entirely personal reason: we love the house because we love its owner, feeling more at home there than amid imposing magnificence. The author argues five flunkeys cannot do more for a guest's comfort than taking his hat and stick.
Chapter 49
How does the chapter contrast Golden Hall with Brook Meadows Farm?
Golden Hall is the extreme of luxury: a guest annex with baths for each bedroom, gymnasium, marble natatorium, squash and racquet courts, bowling alley, glass-roofed riding ring, stables, boats, ballroom, nightly orchestra and imported vaudeville. Brook Meadows is a low white shingled house whose apparent simplicity hides museum-quality furnishings, impeccable service and priceless clothes. The author argues both are luxuries, though the Oldnames' expenditure is far beyond a moderate purse.
Chapter 49
What tipping rules does the chapter give for a country-house weekend?
In this country you do not tip the butler when dining at a friend's house, nor a footman or parlor-maid who takes your card. On leaving a country house you need not give more than five dollars to anyone. A lady staying the weekend gives two or three dollars to the lady's maid if she came without her own, and one or two dollars to everyone who waited on her. Intimate friends in a small house may send a dollar apiece to all servants.
Chapter 49
CHAPTER XXV (part 3)3 cards
What does the chapter say a hostess should do about annoyances or illness while guests are present?
The author argues a hostess should never speak of annoyances of any kind, and should not mention physical or mental ills unless actually unable to stand. If the cook leaves, she should treat it like a delightful picnic; if a guest is ill, she must assure him he is no trouble while overlooking nothing for his comfort. If she or her family becomes ill, she should make light of it and ask a relative or intimate friend to take her place.
Chapter 50
What does the chapter advise about trying to make two guests like each other?
The author advises never trying to make any two people like each other: if they do, they do; if they don't, they don't. It is vitally important to the hostess's success to find out which is the case and collect or separate them accordingly. The chapter warns against fine-tooth-combing the neighborhood for a dull young woman for a young man who cares little for feminine society, or pairing an attractive young woman with a stolid middle-aged couple and an octogenarian professor.
Chapter 50
What does the chapter suggest an early-rising guest do to avoid disturbing the household?
The chapter says a guest with the early habit can carry a small case, locked if necessary, containing a very small solidified alcohol outfit and either a small package of tea or powdered coffee, sugar, powdered milk, and a few crackers. He can then start his day alone in the barnyard hours without disturbing anyone. The author notes few people care enough to fuss, but offers this as a suggestion for habitual early risers.
Chapter 50
CHAPTER XXV (part 4)4 cards
What does Post say distinguishes an ideal guest's behavior toward servants?
The author argues the ideal guest greets servants with "Good morning" and "Good-by," and remembers to ask after the parlor-maid's mother and the butler's baby. Such familiarity makes servants wait on her as they wait on no one else—neither the Senator, the Governor, nor his Grace of Overthere. Post presents this consideration and forgetfulness of self as close to the ideal of womankind.
Chapter 51
What qualities does Post list as the principle of the ideal guest and hostess?
Post says the ideal guest is equally an ideal hostess, and both share the same principle: a ready smile, a quick sympathy, a happy outlook, consideration for others, tenderness toward everything young or helpless, and forgetfulness of self—which she calls not far from the ideal of womankind. The author presents these as the shared standard for both roles.
Chapter 51
What is the sole difference Post identifies between a country-house guest and a guest on a private car or yacht?
Post says the sole difference is that being a guest on a private car or yacht severely tests your adaptability as a traveler. You live in very close quarters with host, hostess, and fellow guests, so you must be especially on guard against being selfish or out of humor. Ashore, if unwell, you can stay home; off on a cruise, you must make the best of it.
Chapter 51
What does Post advise a poor sailor to do before embarking on a cruise?
Post notes that off on a cruise, if you are ill you have to make the best of it, and a sea-sick person's "best" is very bad indeed. She therefore hopes you are a good sailor, and if not, advises you to think very, very carefully before you embark. The warning applies specifically to guests on private cars or yachts.
Chapter 51
CHAPTER XXVI4 cards
Why does Mrs. Worldly wear a squirrel fur cap in the evening at camp?
The chapter says she claimed it was because the cap was warm and comfortable, but the real reason was that she could not do her hair herself. Mrs. Kindhart had written 'not to bring a maid,' and Mrs. Worldly was disturbed at being unable to arrange her own hair.
Chapter 52
What camp rule does Mrs. Kindhart enforce about napkins at meals?
When guests seem surprised by the birch bark napkin rings, Mrs. Kindhart explains the camp rule: one napkin a day apiece, and anyone who prefers 'innumerable paper napkins' to using a washed one twice is welcome to feel differently. Mrs. Worldly tries to look amiable while the rest succeed.
Chapter 52
How does the chapter describe the guest sleeping camps at Summit Camp?
Guest camps are separate shacks, each on a platform with a front porch. Most have two rooms, some four, but each is one pointed-roofed space: a front sitting-room with fireplace, and a rear partitioned into cubicles about eight feet high with regular doors. Each room holds a bed, bureau, washstand, chair, and shelves with a calico curtain.
Chapter 52
What does the chapter claim about well-bred people's manners in camp versus at Great Estates?
The author argues that well-bred people never deteriorate in manner: their behavior is precisely the same whether at Great Estates or in camp. A gentleman may literally be in his shirt sleeves, but he never gets into shirt sleeves mentally, and has no inclination to.
Chapter 52
CHAPTER XXVII4 cards
According to the chapter, what does a person's letter reflect about them?
The author argues a letter is always a mirror reflecting the writer's appearance, taste and character. A sloppy letter—writing pouring into one corner, badly worded or spelled, unmatched paper and envelope, even a blot—proclaims a person with unkempt hair, unclean linen and broken shoe laces, while a neat, precise, evenly written note portrays like characteristics.
Chapter 53
What paper does the chapter recommend for a man's writing paper?
Writing paper for a man should always be strictly conservative: plain white, gray or granite paper, large in size and stamped in the simplest manner. Suggested sizes are about 5-3/4 x 7-1/2, 6 x 8, or 5-1/8 x 8-1/8 inches. Paper should never be ruled, highly scented, odd in shape, or have elaborate or striking ornamentation.
Chapter 53
How does the chapter describe the proper use of a coat of arms in America?
The author argues there is no such thing as heraldry in America, so using a coat of arms is a foreign custom. It is suitable only where old families have used their crests continuously since bringing their device and right to it from Europe. Someone without inherited right who picks a lion rampant because it looks stylish invites ridicule.
Chapter 53
What does the chapter say about dating a letter and the year?
The date usually goes at the upper right of the first page of a letter, or at the end and left of the signature of a note. Writing January 9, 1920 is less confusing than 1-9-20. At the end of a note, 'Thursday' suffices unless it is an invitation more than a week ahead; the year is unnecessary since a letter hardly takes a year to arrive.
Chapter 53
CHAPTER XXVIII4 cards
According to Post, what percentage of an average mail bag is personal letters and invitations?
Post estimates that of an average mail bag sorted in a United States post-office, about fifty per cent is advertisement or appeal, forty per cent business, and scarcely ten per cent personal letters and invitations. She notes love letters are probably as numerous as need be, though the long distance telephone may have lowered their average.
Chapter 54
What does Post identify as the chief difficulty in letter-writing for most people?
Post says that for most people the difficulty in letter-writing is in the beginning and the close. Once started, the middle goes smoothly enough, until they face the difficulty of the end. She compares the vague advice to begin at the beginning and stop at the end to an artist's useless direction to put the right color on the right spot.
Chapter 54
Which opening apologies does Post criticize as unattractive ways to begin a letter?
Post criticizes openings such as 'I have been meaning to write you for a long time but haven't had a minute to spare,' 'I suppose you have been thinking me very neglectful, but you know how I hate to write letters,' and 'I know I ought to have answered your letter sooner, but I haven't had a thing to write about.' She says these slam the door rather than hold it open.
Chapter 54
What does Post say the closing paragraph of a letter should accomplish?
Post argues the aim of the closing paragraph is to bring in a personal hyphen between the writer and the person written to. She says a sentence like 'The mountains were beautiful at sunset' fails because the mountains have nothing personal to either of you, but adding a shared memory or a wish to hear from the reader crosses a bridge.
Chapter 54
CHAPTER XXIX4 cards
According to the chapter, what is more important than any mere dictum of etiquette?
The chapter states that the fundamental code of honor is far more important than any mere dictum of etiquette. Without strict observance of honor, no man, however polished, can be considered a gentleman. The author argues a gentleman's honor demands the inviolability of his word and incorruptibility of his principles, making him a defender of the defenseless and champion of justice.
Chapter 55
How does the chapter say a gentleman handles debts, including those of deceased relatives?
The chapter states a gentleman never borrows money from a woman, and only in unexpected circumstances from a man. Money borrowed without security is a debt of honor to be paid promptly. Debts incurred by a deceased parent, brother, sister, or grown child are assumed by honorable men and women as debts of honor.
Chapter 55
What does the chapter say about a gentleman showing self-control and temper?
The chapter states a gentleman does not lose control of his temper; his self-control under difficult or dangerous circumstances is his chief ascendancy over those who impulsively betray every emotion. Exhibitions of anger, fear, hatred, embarrassment, ardor, or hilarity are all bad form in public, and bad form is merely an action that jars the sensibilities of others.
Chapter 55
How does the chapter distinguish a woman of breeding from a woman merely of wealth?
The chapter says one test is how she speaks to dependents. Thoroughbred women and men are considerate of those less fortunately placed, especially employees. It cites Queen Victoria's duchesses greeting a butler with 'How do you do, Hawkins?' and a Maryland lady equally polite to her friends' servants. A woman who speaks to servants as dirt hasn't come far from the ground herself.
Chapter 55
CHAPTER XXX4 cards
What two ways can a person join a club, according to the chapter?
The chapter states there are two ways of joining a club: by invitation and by making application or having it made for you. Invitation covers founders or charter members when a club starts, honorary members invited by governors, or ordinary members suggested by governors in small informal clubs. Application involves being proposed and seconded by members, with endorsement letters to the governors.
Chapter 56
What does a proposer owe a candidate beyond signing the book?
The proposer must write an endorsement letter to the board of governors describing the candidate's qualifications, tell the candidate to ask about six club-member friends (not governors) to write endorsing letters, and personally present the candidate to several governors, often at their offices or over lunch, so at least two governors at the meeting can vouch for him.
Chapter 56
What happens when a candidate is likely to be black-balled?
The chapter says a gentleman is rarely black-balled, since it would injure him in the eyes of the world. If a candidate is likely to receive a black ball, the governors do not vote on him at all; instead they inform the proposer that the candidate's name would better be withdrawn. If the objection is later disproved or overcome, the name can be put up again.
Chapter 56
How do country clubs differ from city clubs in membership?
Country clubs are generally less exclusive and less expensive than representative city clubs, though some are costlier and as hard to enter. They admit members' families and friends, unlike city clubs where membership benefits only the man himself. Many grant new householders 'season privileges' as transient guests, renewable indefinitely or until regular election after three, six, or twelve months.
Chapter 56
CHAPTER XXXI4 cards
According to the chapter, what is the most vital rule for bridge players?
The chapter states that a player must study the rules for makes and never, under any circumstances, give a partner misinformation. This is called the most vital rule, and anyone who disregards it is detested at the bridge table. No matter how great the temptation to make a gambler's bid, the author argues a player is in honor bound to refrain.
Chapter 57
How does the chapter describe the ideal bridge partner?
The ideal partner never criticizes or even seems aware of your mistakes, but recognizes a good maneuver on your part and gives credit whether you win or lose. The inferior player judges you only by what you win and blames your make if you go down. The author argues constant fault-finding makes you play your worst, while appreciation acts as a tonic.
Chapter 57
What mannerisms does the chapter list as offenses at the card table?
The chapter lists snapping down a card, bending a taken trick into a U, trotting it up and down the table, drumming fingers, clicking, whistling, humming, massaging one's face, scratching one's chin with cards, and waving the card to be played aloft. The author argues all attention-attracting mannerisms are equally unpleasant and can keep an otherwise good player from being asked to play.
Chapter 57
What rule does the chapter give for playing for stakes?
The good loser makes it an invariable rule never to play for stakes it would be inconvenient to lose. The author argues neglect of this rule has been responsible for more bad losers than anything else. While a few gambler types thrive on a heavy turn of luck, the average person is embarrassed winning or losing a stake that matters, so the answer is to play for one that doesn't.
Chapter 57
CHAPTER XXXII4 cards
Why did the rich man's foreign appointment fail to go through?
He kept his hat on and a cigar in his mouth while speaking with a senator's wife in a hotel corridor. She reported the incident to her husband, who raised it with colleagues, and the appointment did not go through. The chapter says the only factor against him was ill-breeding proving him unsuitable to represent his country's dignity.
Chapter 58
When may a gentleman smoke while seated with a lady where smoking is permitted?
He first asks, "Do you mind if I smoke?" and only proceeds on a reply like "Not at all" or "Do, by all means." He should also remove his cigar, pipe, or cigarette from his mouth while speaking. The chapter forbids smoking while walking with a lady on the street, when lifting his hat or bowing, in a room, office, or elevator when a lady enters, and in short standing conversations.
Chapter 58
What does the chapter say about a polished manner in business dealings?
The author argues polish hides what one is thinking, since an unfinished surface is easily penetrated, and compares business encounters to poker where one should not reveal his cards. The author also argues good manners are courteous consideration of others' interests and feelings, and that they win respect and good will rather than merely flattering vanity.
Chapter 58
How does the chapter's example of the lathe operator illustrate etiquette in reverse?
An officer who merely curses a mechanic for inefficiency is resented as an interfering outsider. But if the gentleman rolls up his sleeves and operates the lathe skillfully, the workers respect his authority because his expertness earned his position. The author argues that knowing as much as another makes you his equal on that subject, and knowing more gives you the advantage.
Chapter 58
CHAPTER XXXIII (part 1)4 cards
According to the chapter, what makes a party brilliant?
The author argues that clothes make a brilliant party: good clothes. A frumpy party is a collection of badly dressed persons. Even people with brains and beauty form an assemblage of dowds unless well dressed. A decorated ballroom cannot suggest a brilliant entertainment if most guests are frumps or vulgarians. The author adds: rather be frumpy than vulgar, since a person of vulgar appearance is vulgar all through.
Chapter 59
How does the chapter describe 'the sheep' in fashion?
The sheep are the dressed-to-the-minute women who follow every turn of fashion blindly, with no sense of distance or direction. Each new season they all dress as replicas of each other, ignoring their own types and personalities. Comfort, convenience, becomingness, and beauty mean nothing; fashion is followed to the letter. The author argues such women may be 'smart' but are seldom distinguished because they are all precisely alike.
Chapter 59
What is the one unchanging principle of being well dressed?
The chapter states there is one unchanging principle every well-dressed woman, man, and child must follow: suitability. This means more than choosing clothes suited to age, appearance, and occasion, such as a ball dress for a ball and a street dress for walking. It also means not buying clothes out of proportion to one's income or out of keeping with one's surroundings.
Chapter 59
What distinction does the chapter draw between vulgarity and extravagance?
The author argues ostentation is always vulgar, but extravagance is not necessarily vulgar. Extravagance becomes dishonest if carried beyond one's income; buying everything that tempts you when you cannot afford it verges on the actually dishonest. Buying quantities of things never used is sheer wastefulness. Vulgar clothes are those always too elaborate for the occasion, too exaggerated in style, or with accessories out of proportion.
Chapter 59
CHAPTER XXXIII (part 2)4 cards
According to the chapter, how should a woman's riding habit be worn?
The author argues a riding habit is like an officer's uniform, not meant to make the wearer look pretty. It must be meticulously trig and compact, with nothing sticking out that can be flattened in. A woman must look smart in a habit or she is a sight; the criticism targets those who dress for looks in city parks or on stage, not country riders in whatever they have on.
Chapter 60
What does the chapter say about a young girl riding astride in smart English society?
In smartest English society it is not considered best form for a grown girl to ride astride in the hunting-field or park. A high-born English girl rides astride as a child, but once old enough to be presented at Court she appears in a lady's habit on a side-saddle. The author notes this is an extreme opinion in America, found only among the most fashionable.
Chapter 60
What does the chapter advise about hair when putting on a riding habit?
Hair must go tight and flat back, braided or coiled about level with the top of the ears and wound in a door mat, not a knob. A large bun at the back is almost as bad as hair drawn over the ears at the sides. Short hairs likely to blow require a hunting hair net; bobbed hair must be drawn back into a silk riding net and made trim.
Chapter 60
How does the chapter suggest a woman with limited income dress well?
The author argues no one can dress well on nothing a year, but talent, taste and ingenuity help. Black is most serviceable and unrecognizable, though cream or a color that suits her may work. A black tulle dress can be changed with a lace slip, jet trimming, or a silver or gold tunic. Accessories should blend so they do double service.
Chapter 60
CHAPTER XXXIII (part 3)4 cards
What does the author say a woman who visits Paris every four or five years tends to lack?
The author argues that a woman who goes abroad only every four or five years is apt to be deficient in a "trans-Atlantic sense," meaning she is more vulnerable to the persuasive sales tactics of Paris dressmakers. By contrast, those who go every year are presented as more seasoned. The author frames this as a caution about being swept up by clever vendeuses.
Chapter 61
How does Mlle. Marie justify the season's bright colors to the customer?
Mlle. Marie claims the house's originator took inspiration from nature and the little animals of the fields and woods, whose coats match their backgrounds. She argues an emerald lizard is inconspicuous in the tropics, a zebra blends with sun and shade, and animals turn white in snow. Thus white suits winter, green spring, cerise for sunsets, and dark blue chiffon for night.
Chapter 61
What does the author suggest is the temptation even after resolving "Never Again"?
Despite the narrator's firm resolution of "Never Again" against matching backgrounds like charming little animals, the author suggests that next time curiosity may still tempt her to return to Paris just to discover what the newest artfully enticing "tune" of the Pied Pipers of Paris will be. The author thus presents resistance to Paris fashion persuasion as recurring and uncertain.
Chapter 61
What specific garments does the customer say she actually needs?
Consulting her little book and list, the customer says she would like a navy blue serge trimmed with black braid, satin, or something similar, and a black crêpe de chine absolutely plain, stating that she really needs nothing else. The author uses this modest, practical list to contrast with the extravagant models and colors that follow.
Chapter 61
CHAPTER XXXIV4 cards
What three particulars distinguish a Tuxedo from full dress?
According to the chapter, Tuxedo clothes are made of the same materials as full dress and differ in only three particulars: the cut of the coat, the braid on the trousers, and the use of a black tie instead of a white one. The dinner coat has no tails, is cut like a sack suit, and is held closed in front by one button at the waist line.
Chapter 62
What rules does the chapter give for a gentleman's business suit?
The author argues the business suit should be an inconspicuous every-day garment, made or marred by its cut. He advises avoiding striking patterns, too light a blue or bright a green, padded shoulders, and peg-topped trousers. Trousers may have cuffs but sleeves should not, and lapels are moderately small. Above all, no white socks, no chains, fobs, or scarf pins, and no horsey shirts or neckties.
Chapter 62
What jewelry does the chapter permit a gentleman to wear?
The author argues diamonds should be conspicuous by their absence, calling a display of ice on a man's shirt front or fingers vulgar. Pearl shirt-studs are correct for full dress only, not with a dinner coat unless tiny. Enamel, black onyx, or equally moderate studs are acceptable. Waistcoat buttons, studs, and cuff links worn in sets is a permissible American custom, but must not be conspicuous. A watch chain should be very thin, and a ring is usually a plain seal ring.
Chapter 62
What is the chapter's rule for alternating suits and shoes?
The author states the well-dressed man never wears the same suit or the same pair of shoes two days running. He may own only two suits, but wears them alternately; with four suits, each should be worn every fourth day. The reasoning given is that the longer clothes have to recover their shape, the better. The author also says the well-dressed man must look as though he gave his clothes no thought while being perfectly groomed.
Chapter 62
CHAPTER XXXV4 cards
According to the chapter, how should a young child hold a spoon in early eating lessons?
The chapter says a very little child should hold the spoon as if gripping a bar in front of it: back of the hand up, thumb closed over the fist. The pusher is held the same way in the left hand. In first lessons the child may put the spoon in its mouth pointed end foremost, since neatness, not grip, is the first requisite.
Chapter 63
How does the chapter say a child should dip a spoon when eating soup?
The chapter states that in eating soup the child must dip the spoon away from him, turning the outer rim of the bowl down, fill it no more than three-quarters full, and sip without noise from the side rather than the end of the bowl. Cereal and dessert, by contrast, may be eaten with the bowl dipped toward him.
Chapter 63
What does the chapter say about correcting a child's bad table manners in front of company?
The author argues it is best to say as little as possible before guests, since nagging in front of strangers lessens a child's incentive to behave. If the child refuses to behave, one should say nothing and quietly lead it back to the nursery. A brief word such as 'Don't lean on the table, darling' should suffice.
Chapter 63
How should a child hold fork and knife when learning to cut food?
The fork goes in the left hand, prongs downward, held near the top of the handle with the index finger on the shank pointing toward the prongs and the thumb supporting the side. The knife is held in the right hand like the fork, index finger down the back of the blade. The child cuts one mouthful at a time and never holds the fork clenched perpendicularly.
Chapter 63
CHAPTER XXXVI4 cards
According to the chapter, what must parents do about disagreements in front of children?
The chapter insists parents must never disagree before their children, and a child may not appeal to one parent against the other. If a father gives a foolish order, the mother's only possible comment is to uphold it; she may pull the child out afterward and tell her husband privately what she thinks, but the roof must shelter unity of opinion before witnesses.
Chapter 64
What does the chapter say about "company manners" versus everyday manners at home?
The author argues the two must be identical: a mother should require the same behavior at home every day that she wants her children to show in public, and she must show them the same manners she shows to company. Families that exert no courtesy when alone cannot convince outsiders they possess it, any more than painted faces look like real complexions.
Chapter 64
What is the "old gray wrapper habit" the chapter warns against?
It is the habit of careless dress and careless manners at home, summed up in the wife who won't dress for dinner because no one is coming in. The author argues charm in company belongs to the woman who is fastidious at home, dressing for her children and husband, and warns against pouring petty troubles on loved ones, drawing down the bank of sympathy in little sums.
Chapter 64
What does the chapter say about discussing private affairs at the table?
The author calls it a bad habit in many families, since servants waiting at table may repeat what they hear and do not regard themselves as invisible. Apart from the imprudence of talking before witnesses, it is bad form to discuss private affairs before anyone, and parents who quarrel before children or servants deprive the former of good breeding and reveal their own lack of it.
Chapter 64
CHAPTER XXXVII (part 1)4 cards
According to the chapter, what is the principal rule for conduct at home and abroad?
The chapter states that the principal rules for conduct under all circumstances sum up to doing nothing that can either annoy or offend the sensibilities of others. To achieve this, one must consider the point of view of those with whom one comes in contact, and abroad, know foreign customs. The author argues obnoxious behavior stems from thoughtlessness or ignorance, and for thoughtlessness there is no excuse.
Chapter 65
Why does the chapter warn against strong odors on trains?
The chapter warns that strong odors—bananas, oranges, smoldering cigars, heavy perfumes, and food in a valise—can cause real distress to fellow passengers, especially bad travelers. It notes that in America dining cars reduce food odors in parlor cars, but in Europe's small carriages one fruit enthusiast can make companions wretched. To at least half an average trainful, strong odors are disagreeable if not nauseating.
Chapter 65
What does the chapter say about a lady traveling with a gentleman escort?
The chapter says that in fashionable society an escort is unheard of, and in decent society a lady does not travel around the country with a gentleman unless she is outside the pale of society. Ladies may be accompanied on short, direct trips by acquaintances, but not for more than a few hours. If a lady meets a gentleman she knows on a long journey, she should limit contact and avoid seeming to be together.
Chapter 65
How should a lady sign a hotel register, and how does a gentleman?
A gentleman alone writes 'John Smith, New York,' never 'Mr.' or 'Hon.,' and never his street and house number. With his wife, 'Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, New York' is correct; 'John Smith and Wife' or 'and Family' is not good form. A lady never signs without 'Miss' or 'Mrs.'—'Miss Abigail Titherington' or 'Mrs. John Smith,' never 'Sarah Smith.'
Chapter 65
CHAPTER XXXVII (part 2)4 cards
On a de luxe steamer, what does the author say about formal evening dress at dinner?
The author argues that wearing formal evening dress, especially ball dresses, on a steamer is in the worst possible taste and signals that one has no other place to display finery. People of position never wear formal evening dress on shipboard, even in the à la carte restaurant; in the dining saloon they wear afternoon house dresses without hats, and no gentleman wears a tail-coat on shipboard under any circumstances.
Chapter 66
According to the chapter, how should Americans behave regarding flag-waving and talking to strangers abroad?
The author argues the American flag should be waved only at parades or on special occasions when others wave flags, not constantly, since ceaseless flaunting makes it an object of ridicule. The objectionable tourists are loud, attract attention, and insist on talking to everyone whether or not others wish to talk. Cultivated Americans traveling in Europe sometimes avoid speaking English or carrying English books on trains to escape such unwelcome conversation.
Chapter 66
In France and Italy, what simple courtesies does the author say are essential when entering shops or addressing servants?
The author argues that in France, Spain, and Italy, grace and politeness of manner are as essential to decency as being clothed. One should smile, bow, and say 'Good morning, madam' or 'Good evening, monsieur' on entering a shop, and something polite on leaving, even if only 'Good afternoon' in English. Failing to greet a concierge, chambermaid, or small tradesman is evidence of ignorance, not grandeur; a French duchess would greet even the littlest store's proprietress.
Chapter 66
What does the chapter say about addressing titled people at a dinner abroad?
The author argues the matter of addressing titled people correctly is of little importance; one says only 'you' to the person spoken to. If a title is needed at dinner, one says 'Duke,' not 'Your Grace,' and 'Lord Arlington' to an Earl, or 'Arlington' if well known. A knight is called 'Sir Arthur.' In England a stranger is not supposed to introduce anyone, so titles of address are often unnecessary.
Chapter 66
CHAPTER XXXVII (part 3)3 cards
Why does the author say the American girl abroad makes a poor impression?
The author argues that a girl who segregates herself from her parents to be joined by any haphazard youth cheapens herself and the name of the American girl in general. She is not intentionally rude and her morals are above reproach, but her lack of etiquette condemns her in strangers' eyes. Devotion to her mother would impress better as to both good form and heart.
Chapter 67
What handicap does the author say a lady traveling alone in Europe faces?
The author says Europeans cannot understand how any lady of social position can be without a maid, so a lady traveling alone starts with that snobbish handicap. She can still travel the world without molestation or difficulty by behaving with extreme quietness and dignity, especially if she is something of a linguist. In difficult countries she should join friends or a conducted tour.
Chapter 67
What qualities does the author attribute to the perfect traveler?
The author describes the perfect traveler as having perfect digestion, a cheerful disposition, enthusiasm under discouraging circumstances, indifference to discomfort, and at least a sense of the ridiculous. Punctuality matters: bags packed and down at the hour of start. Those who fuss, are easily upset, or gloomy should not travel unless alone, and travelers must sometimes subordinate their likes to others'.
Chapter 67
XXXVIII. THE GROWTH OF GOOD TASTE IN AMERICA3 cards
According to the chapter, what is the origin of the word 'etiquette'?
The author traces it to Louis XIV's reign, when a Scottish gardener at Versailles posted warning tickets—etiquettes—telling courtiers which path to use to avoid trampling new lawns. When courtiers ignored them, the King issued an edict commanding everyone to 'keep within the etiquettes.' The term gradually expanded to cover all rules of correct court demeanor and deportment.
Chapter 68
What anecdote about French soldiers does the author use to defend etiquette?
During the war, Allied soldiers grabbed their plentiful rations and ate hastily while standing. French soldiers took their meager portions, improvised a table on a flat rock, laid out the food and wine, and sat down to eat amid conversation. Asked why they made such fuss over little food, a Frenchman replied they were making war for civilization, so they ate in a civilized way.
Chapter 68
How does the author describe Lord Chesterfield's influence on attitudes toward manners?
The author says Chesterfield acknowledged a link between manners and morality, writing that moral virtues are the foundation of society while attentions and graces adorn and strengthen them. Yet the chapter argues no writer did more to bring disrepute on the 'manners and graces,' because he treated them merely as machinery for a successful career. Critics concede he was candid and outspoken.
Chapter 68
CHAPTER XXXVIII4 cards
According to the chapter, what are rules of etiquette compared to?
The author states that rules of etiquette are nothing more than sign-posts by which we are guided to the goal of good taste. Good taste or bad taste, she says, is revealed in everything we are, do, or have—our speech, manners, dress, household goods, and even our friends.
Chapter 69
How does the author respond to claims that the younger generation's manners have grown lax?
The author argues that older people always feel the younger generation is speeding toward perdition, and that charges of youth's carelessness are too bromidic to carry conviction. She notes manners may seem lax because young men no longer pay party calls, and says games over conversation and scanty dress do not prove degeneration.
Chapter 69
What evidence does the author give that Americans have advanced in esthetic taste?
The author argues Americans have advanced prodigiously in esthetic taste: it is easier than ever to surround oneself with lovely belongings, and each year's woodwork, ironwork, glass, stone, print, paint and textiles grow lovelier. She cites shop displays, magazines on gardens and house-furnishings, and white tiled bathrooms springing up like mushrooms across the country.
Chapter 69
What does the author say America discarded after the Civil War, and how does she describe it?
The author argues that America discarded the exquisite Colonial houses, gardens and furnishings for the atrocities of the period after the Civil War. She compares this to Titania's Midsummer Night's Dream madness that made her believe an ass's features more beautiful than Apollo's, and calls it a marriage of the Colonial ancestress to a dark-wooded, plush-draped, jig-sawed upstart of vulgarity.
Chapter 69
Source and licence
Text used: Project Gutenberg eBook #14314 (Public domain in the United States). Generated from the full text; cards paraphrase the source.
Version: Public domain edition. Retrieved 2026-10-28. Cards reviewed 2026-10-28.
These cards paraphrase the text for study. They are not a substitute for reading the book, and they do not reproduce long passages.
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